TOULON, FRANCE – An elderly French man caused a bizarre stir at a hospital on Saturday when he arrived at the emergency room with a large World War 1 artillery shell lodged in his rectum, causing administrators to evacuate the facility and call in the local police department’s bomb squad.
The man, 88, went to the Hospital Sainte Musse in Toulon with an explosive cannon shell measuring 8 inches long and 2 inches wide shockingly stuck all the way inside of his backside; officials say that he had inserted inside of himself for “sexual pleasure.”
When doctors realized that the item lodged in their patient’s rectum was no mere sex toy, they immediately declared it a potential “bomb threat,” cleared any nearby rooms, and called the authorities, a hospital spokesperson stated.
“An emergency occurred from 9 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. on Saturday evening that required the intervention of bomb disposal personnel, the evacuation of adult and pediatric emergencies as well as the diversion of incoming emergencies,” they said. “We had to manage the risk in a reactive framework. When in doubt, we took all the precautions.”
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When the bomb squad arrived, they examined the antique weapon and determined that it was so old that there was a very low chance of it exploding during extraction.
“They reassured us by telling us that it was a collector’s item from the First World War, used by the French military,” the hospital spokesperson said.
Once their safety was assured, surgeons went about the uncomfortable task of removing the unusual item from the patient, but the artillery shell was stuck so deeply that it necessitated cutting open his abdomen to pry it out. He is expected to make a full recovery.
Despite facing a myriad of medical anomalies over the years, the French doctors were besides themselves with disbelief over their patient’s strange choice of sexual gratification.
“An apple, a mango, or even a can of shaving foam, we are used to finding unusual objects inserted where they shouldn’t be,” one of the hospital’s doctors said. “But a shell? Never!”